The day is usually manageable. There's work, other people, things to get done. Then you get into bed, the room goes quiet, and they're all you can think about: the last conversation, what you should have said, whether they're thinking about you too.
You probably can't switch those thoughts off by deciding to. Most people find that telling themselves to stop only works for a minute or two. What you can do is make the nights a little easier while the bigger feelings settle, which they do. Here's what the research suggests.
First, know that this is normal
In a study of 192 university students after a break-up, the ones who were most upset also had more intrusive thoughts about it, found those thoughts harder to control, and slept worse (Field and colleagues, 2009). The break-up being recent, and feeling betrayed by it, were among the strongest predictors of how hard it was.
So if your nights are rough, it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It means you're early in it.
Put some distance between you and the reminders
This is the least comfortable advice and probably the most useful.
Researchers who followed people for four weeks after a break-up found that feelings of love for the ex, and sadness, faded more slowly in people who stayed in contact with them (Sbarra and Emery, 2005). In another study of 464 people, checking an ex's Facebook page went with more distress and more longing (Marshall, 2012). That second study can't prove the checking caused the distress, but most people recognise the pattern from the inside.
Some things that help at night in particular:
- Charge your phone outside the bedroom, or at least out of reach.
- Mute or unfollow them for now. You don't have to block anyone or make a statement, and you can change it later.
- Move the old messages and photos into an archive folder so they aren't one tap away at 2am.
Give the thoughts somewhere to go before bed
Going over the relationship isn't the problem in itself. Going over it in the dark, in circles, is what keeps you awake.
In one study, people who came back to their break-up and reflected on it regularly over nine weeks recovered a clearer sense of who they were, and that went with feeling less lonely and less troubled by intrusive feelings (Larson and Sbarra, 2015). In another, people who spent a few days writing about anything good that had come out of their break-up reported more positive feelings afterwards, without feeling worse (Lewandowski, 2009).
You could try this an hour or so before bed:
- Write for 10 or 15 minutes, by hand if you can. Put down what you keep replaying, and what you're afraid of.
- Finish with one thing you've learned about yourself, or one thing you can do now that you couldn't before. It doesn't have to be big.
- Close the notebook. If the thoughts come back in bed, you can remind yourself they're written down and you'll look at them tomorrow.
When you're missing them, remember it as it was
At night, memory edits. You remember how it felt to be held, and forget the arguments, the waiting for replies, or the feeling of not being chosen.
In an experiment by Langeslag and Sanchez (2018), thinking about an ex's real faults, and what wasn't working, was the one strategy that reduced feelings of love for them. It also made people feel worse in the moment. So this one is for when you're steady enough, perhaps earlier in the evening, and not as the last thing before sleep. Some people keep a short, honest list on their phone for the moments the longing is strongest.
Give your body something to settle into
A racing mind is hard to argue with, but your body can be calmed more directly. Slow breathing, a warm shower, or the same wind-down every night all help tell your body the day is over.
Guided audio can help too, because it gives your attention something kind to follow instead of the same loop. Our free 3-minute session for after a break-up was made for exactly this moment. It uses guided imagery from attachment therapy: for a few minutes, you imagine being looked after, and get to feel what that's like. The longer 10-minute version is there for when you have more time. Here's where the method comes from.
If you're awake anyway
If you've been lying there for what feels like a long time, it can help to get up for a while. Sit somewhere dim, read something dull, and go back to bed when you're sleepy. Lying in bed fighting it tends to make the bed feel like the place where you think about them.
When to talk to someone
Losing sleep for a while after a break-up is common. Please talk to your GP or doctor if it's going on for weeks, if you can't manage your days, or if the nights are bringing up thoughts of not wanting to be here.
If you need someone right now: in the UK, Samaritans are free on 116 123, day or night. In the US, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 999 or 911.